Twilight’s Stillness

 

       How many nights has the radio

       next to your pillow droned

       a drunkard's lullaby

       loud enough to wake the dead.....

       Tonight I beg for quiet, 

       but clouded eyes scowl angrily at me.

       After calling out some menacing retort,

       you soon return to drunken dreams.

       Sober briefly,

       during day's first waking moments.

       You finally rise up,

       fortified by countless doubles.

       

       You'll be gone soon,

       til who knows when.

       Relieved when you finally depart,

       I remove traces of your essence.

       Sweet twilight's stillness,

       transforms my dismal surroundings,

       into finer illusions where,

       only small bits of life's reality remains.

       I become the silent watcher
       filled with euphoric radiance.
       My soul dances

       with an ecstasy for living.

    

       This sanctuary of separation,

       contains my sanity secret.

       Only in this stillness is

       there a brighter self.

       Be still, I whisper,

       God is with you.

       Be still, I whisper,

       you are never alone.

The protagonist of this poem is using dissociation as a defense mechanism.  At the non-pathological end of the continuum, dissociation may include common events such as daydreaming. During ongoing traumatic experiences like the stress of dealing with a chronic alcoholic, the dissociation serves as a defense to help a person tolerate what might otherwise be too difficult to bear. In extreme situations, a person may dissociate the memory of a place, or feelings about events, mentally escaping from shame, fear, and pain. 

Just hold on...

Life – sometimes the trick

is holding on

just for the ride

Sometimes life can feel like we are only just holding on the for the ride. An important thing that we need to understand is that there are many things that are going to happen that we cannot control. As we start just living in the present moment, we can practice, opening and investigating that moment with curiosity, accepting it as it is. By meditating, practicing compassion and interdependence, we can start to trust that things are OK just as they are. They might not be “ideal,” but they are just fine – or maybe even beautiful. Here’s a great article dealing with this topic:

The Zen Habits Guide to Letting Go of Attachments

https://zenhabits.net/attachments/

The Chesapeake Tableau

A rose colored sky

welcomes the coming

day with sunlight’s kiss.

We wake up and smile. 

All’s well in the land

of pleasant living.

Land of Pleasant Living- a reference to the Chesapeake Bay.

Dream Fragments

Life exists in fragments, and out of those fragments our mind's eye constructs memories. What I offer here are dream fragments – descriptions that call up images of life, love and more. This will be a changing work in progress. Check back often for added fragments. Please enjoy and pleasant dreams.

Dream Fragment # 1 

A quiet gentle whisper -

sun with water rushing by

love lights up your smile.

Dream Fragment # 2

Light dances through window panes

as refractions on a cool white wall

display an array of color bands.

I am a hologram drawn in

as part of their magnificence;

traveling with the speed of light.

Dream Fragment # 3

The night's soft breath stirs,

as I struggle to erase 

the sins of the day.

Dream Fragment # 4

"The darkness held a presence that was all the more felt because it was not seen.

I could not anymore have doubted that HE was there than that I was. 

Indeed, I felt myself to be, if possible, the less real of the two."

William James

Dream Fragment # 5

Rose morning sunrise

 resonates

with serenity

You Are My Sunshine

Bright sun parades across the sky.

Sunflowers wave their yellow blooms.

As I just think and wonder why

don’t we put on our fun costumes?

We’ll run and play from dawn till night

You’ll be the queen - I’ll be Knight

The time is right our cares are gone

Our court parades across the lawn

Hop on one foot, then skip and leap

Jump up and down- this can’t be beat

Watch out here comes the garden hose

Oh no - it squirts straight up your nose

You are my sunshine
N0 worries here

“The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct.” – Carl Jung

I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things... Our hearts imaginations need to dance and play if we are to live awake.

Many thanks to Abby Bartlett for the artwork

Love’s Melody

Love's melody stirs

my heart's desire.

As we embrace

and harmonize,

I dance to your

rhythm of romance.

Sing your love ballad.

I'll play passion's song.

Our sweet concerto

goes on and on.

“Love’s melody stirs my heart’s desire”

Music is a big part of people's lives, and with very good reason. There's always a song that connects you to a feeling, a person, or a place. If anyone were to ask me what the connection between music and love is, I’d say that through music, you touch your lover’s soul. 

l. 

A Young Boy’s Heart

Intuitively, I knew his words, 

before my father spoke.

Your mother's left us, he whispers.

Left you, I dared to scream out loud.

My young boy's heart

aching, silently breaking.

You had disappeared, without a trace    

It was not an easy trick, 

but one well executed.

Knowing this was your pathway 

from his alcoholic pain, 

offered me no solace. 

Slowly, I became his caretaker,

watching whiskey and 

women come and go; 

leaving life shabby and chaotic. 

Regarding my world with

expectations of perfection, 

I became the judge and jury 

for myself and others.

Always longing - but fearful to connect, 

I stayed safe on life's sidelines.

Dissociate or deny – 

Never acknowledge any pain,  

Duck and cover from the shame – 

That became my coping game. 

As time went on 

I grew up strong,

but my heart stayed 

just the same.

Must I always pay 

this price for losing you….

According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, alcoholism affects about 18 million adults in the U.S. Approximately 26.8  million children are exposed to alcoholism in the family and 6.6 million children age 18 and younger live in households with at least one alcoholic  parent. Many children of alcoholics, often referred to as Adult COAs. COA's  live in homes filled with stress, financial hardship, instability, neglect, and violence. Unfortunately, these vulnerable youth often struggle academically,  behaviorally and emotionally. Children living in this environment may run the gamut of feelings such as anger, embarrassment, shame and most of all hurt.  They can also develop insecurities that can lead to emotional scars that they carry well into adulthood. 

If you are an alcoholic parent, please get help --  Your child needs a relationship with you. Just as you will need professional help, so will your child. COAs need to attend counseling and/or join support groups to help them cope with the trauma of alcoholism.

Vespers in the dark...

The evening’s breath stirs,  

as I struggle to cast off

sins of today.

I shudder when recalling past Vespers.

Your voice – joy to me once,

heralds a heinous incantation. 

The hand of God reaches out – you echo;

All while groping, slowly stroking me up and down.

Letting go, my body responds completely….

Always afterward, I determined I was to blame.

You offered tears, absolution, and admonishments.

All I must do was keep this secret – you warned.

Now as I am older,

seeking redemption for my tortured soul;

I fear these torments continue with others.

Cases of sexual abuse committed by Catholic priests have led to numerous allegations, investigations, trials and convictions. The abused included boys as young as 3 years old, with the majority being between the ages of 11 and 14. Accusations received wide publicity in the late 1980s. Many of these involved cases in which a priest was accused of abuse for decades; such allegations were frequently made by adults or older youths years after the abuse occurred. A systematic cover-up by bishops and other hierarchy in many dioceses over decades compounded the crimes of pedophile priests who raped children and committed other sexual abuses.

The Pontifical Commission for the Protection of Minors was instituted by Pope Francis on 22 March 2014 to deal with the scandal of sex abuse of minors. Its singular purpose is to propose initiatives that could protect children from pedophiles in the church. However, most recently, the Commission announced that a member, Marie Collins, quit out of "frustration" at an alleged lack of cooperation from other Vatican offices. Collins was sexually abused by a priest when she was an adolescent.

The only other abuse survivor who had served on the commission, Peter Saunders, a British advocate for victims, was sidelined last year by the panel after clashing with it over its mission. Saunders, who was given a leave of absence, has said he has lost faith in the pope's ability to deal with the problem.

Collins departure delivered another blow to the Vatican's insistence that it is working to ensure that no more children are abused by predator priests.

Time to Pause

The calm follows autumn’s amber sunsets.

Sweet dreams linger in the shadows.

Evening songbirds rest and wait

for their cues to serenade;

as we take the time

to pause and

reflect.

Each of us can benefit from learning to pause mindfully. Pausing gives us an opportunity to clearly see the desires, wants, fears or anxieties that are driving us. Pausing mindfully when you transition from one activity to another, or at any other moment in your day, will allow you to fully notice and experience what’s really happening.  It takes a mindful - pause to reboot ourselves from the rote mode to proactive engagement with life. Here are links to several mindful - pause exercises:

The Mindful Pause Exercise

http://www.psychiatry.wisc.edu/uwpMindfulness_pause.html

9 Reasons to Hit “Pause”

https://mindfulminutes.com/9-reasons-hit-pause/